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I Can’t Come To Your Party If You Want To Sell Me Something

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I Can’t Come To Your Party If You Want To Sell Me Something.  I avoid home selling parties. I miss the old days when you got invited to your friend’s house and didn’t need to bring your checkbook. While I appreciate someone’s friendship and know they have access to tremendous body oils, charm bracelets, Tupperware, and kitchen utensils my discomfort is based on three specific life experiences.

#1. My senior year of college I drove home to Philadelphia under the guise my family would be celebrating my birthday. There was no cake. You know what was there? My mom’s estranged cousin Amy who was a regional director for Partylite candles, a direct seller of premium candles and high-quality home fragrances, including oils, room sprays and melts. I drove two and a half hours north to celebrate the anniversary of my birth but instead had to sit through an hour-long sconce presentation in the living room.

Result: I bought a candle and we never heard from cousin Amy ever again.

#2. I made the mistake of signing up for one of those 3-day charity walks for breast cancer. You have to walk 26 miles a day, sleep in a tent in the rain, and get your loved ones to sponsor you for almost $2,000. I hate asking people for money. It’s the reason I could never work in campaign finance or move up the ranks in the Girl Scouts. I raised $400. You know who had to pony up the rest of the cash? I did. I paid $1,400 to walk from Baltimore, Maryland to Washington DC.

Result: I lost a toenail and my dignity.

#3. My friend Megan invited me to a “fun girls party” in Los Angeles. She neglected to tell me it was a sex toy party. Do I regret that I ended up sitting next to a colleague’s girlfriend? Of course I did because now every time I see him I can’t help but wonder if he was satisfied with the plug she bought him.

Result: I think it is better if I don’t know what everyone is buying.

I don’t want to worry that purchasing a product means I am unknowingly supporting a pyramid scheme that at some point might be investigated by the United States Securities and Exchange Commission. I don’t want to be angry that I just got swindled into buying a $500 set of plastic containers. I want to come to your house, enjoy a glass of iced tea and not feel pressured to buy lavender oil because it’s supposed to calm me down if I rub it all over my feet.

It’s too much pressure.

 

 
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Kate Casey

Kate Casey is a pop culture humor writer. Kate writes gossip analysis and reality television recaps on her popular site www.loveandknuckles.com. Kate deconstructs celebrity spin by translating the tabloids for normal people.

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