Sex After Baby; Seven real-life things you can do!
As a sexologist and sex coach, most of my clients lately have been couples with the classic “sexless marriage” complaint. A percentage of them are couples who’ve just had a new baby enter their lives and are clamoring for ways to get back into bed ALONE. What happens to a couple’s sexuality when a baby comes home to roost? Oh, and btw, that can mean a biological offspring or an adopted member of your intimate household. If you adopt, of course, you will not have the hideous ups and downs of your hormones, but you will still suffer with a loss of that quality time you and your partner used to spend. You know, times like cuddling up in front of a crackling fire, nibbling at his/her ears, and deep passionate kisses into the night that lead to hours of ecstatic lovemaking. Oh. Did I just hear that you never had that in the first place? Well, let’s just pretend that love in the nest was hot hot hot and that the advent of a newly wrinkled mini-person has changed all that.
Regardless of how baby got there, that whole post-partum period has its own nature…with a million adjustments to make in schedules, tasks and priorities. Rightly so, baby’s needs must come first. And coming is a word that has lost its original meaning for most new parents! The post-partum phase sometimes means glorious joy at the welcome of a new life into your family, and/or the loss of libido thanks to the whirlpool of hormonal tumult, and/or often the lack of any ability to respond to Papa’s advances on an exhausted, distracted Mama.
I once wrote a long article for iVillage.com’s Relationships channel about the transition from babe to baby and back again. Thousands of women discussed their own challenges in birthing a young’un and then trying to remember what it was like to be ‘the babe’ before baby. Before you became a mother you were a woman, first and foremost. Whether or not you married the father of your baby, or are simply living with him, or if there is no him just another her, or you did this with a turkey baster in the dark, your life will never be the same. But, not to fret. You will get your sexuality back on track, if you are willing to do the work and shift around the emphasis from the little one to the big you two.
So, now that you know you are deserving of a reboot of your sexlife and are ready to reclaim it, here are seven real-life things you can do:
- Body beautiful. Get fit! This includes a daily or weekly schedule that allows you to get on that stairmaster or lifecycle at home, or sneak over to make that early AM yoga class while hubby can watch Miss Mary, or hire a sitter so that twice a week you can pump iron at the gym. Even just walking around the block with the carriage or kids in tow is better than being the couch potato type of mom. Then again, who is that? Whatever it takes, make your workout routine a “have to” part of your life.
- Set realistic goals. You can lose that baby weight! You can contact me for a realistic, powerful, effective weight loss & maintenance system that is guaranteed to work, I’ve used it for a year now and it’s one of the safest ways to lose that fat and keep it off. Know how quickly you can lose the weight, don’t starve yourself. If you are nursing, you have to be patient!
- Take charge of your fertility risks. If you are breastfeeding or not, learn when you need to start using some reliable form of birth control so that your body can regain its healthy status. Don’t play Russian Roulette with your guessing if you are fertile yet. Get plenty of information to support your getting back to sex without fear of another too-soon pregnancy.
- Think erotic thoughts: Your ability to be erotic comes from the inside out. The mind is a part of your sexuality. Look for ways to turn it on, like erotic stories on CD or reading novels like mine, The Adventures of Her in France (at my site, www.yoursexcoach.com you can download the e-book, or go to amazon). If you can imagine being turned on sexually and if you can turn your mind into a fantasy machine, you’re on your way to regaining your libidinous ways. If you are hungering for fantasy material, sign up for my free monthly newsletter and for the FEB 2006 issue that deals with fantasies and how to nurture them into being. (www.yoursexcoach.com)
- Love your body as it is. Your body is an amazing and magical entity, powerful enough to create another human life! Here’s a little trick: Look into a full length mirror at the image of your body and thank it. Thank your incredible body temple for all it does for you, for all it is capable of producing, and for its pleasure-giving capacity. See the good in that reflection and honor yourself. Do this once a week minimally. You can also say an affirmation to yourself, such as “I am a beautiful woman”, or “I am all woman!” or anything that will shift you into a self-loving mode about your body. It really is your temple. Feel it as sacred.
- Just be sexy and playful. Find a good sex toy that works for you, like at www.evesgarden.com, one of the best websites and toy stores online designed for women. Be sure to keep solo time alive in the bedroom for yourself. Prime that pump! Even if you just spend ten minutes a week on it, that is one way to rekindle the neural pathways that produce sexual body pleasures. A good orgasm goes a long way in reducing stress and creating feel-good chemistry inside. It also helps to shrink that sagging vagina by pumping the good old “Kegel” or “PC” muscles into action.
- Anchor into sacred sexuality. Not only is your body a sacred place to honor as sacred, but so is the sexual energy you can share with your partner. See, hear, feel, smell and taste your partner as sacred. He/she is if you think of it that way. Play with sacred ways of expressing your love. Slow it down. Find the elements of sacred sexual touch, which is connective, non-demand sex play, and which ultimately calms your soul. Check out the DVDs at www.lovingsex.com, especially “Modern Kama Sutra”, and “Tantra” programs, which I host, showing sacred sexuality and how to get there.
So, be sure to tell yourself each day when you look in the mirror that your body and your sexuality belong to you, like precious jewels, something to treasure and cherish. And, to get back in the sack to a little nookie will take making it a priority to be “just us” with your mate, and a clever array of options for carving out time sans baby. I know you can do it!
All the best,
Dr. Patti Britton- Known as Dr. “Patti” she is a nationally board certified Clinical Sexologist/Sex Coach, frequent media guest, President-Elect of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Councelors and Therepists, as well as popular workshop leader and speaker. She is the author of The Art of Sex Coaching, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Sensual Massage and The Adventures of Her in France.