I have a dream, a dream where one day special Mothers All Over the World will receive Mommy Oscars in a grossly over-produced, impossibly-boring awards ceremony. A dream where all the mothers who are nominated receive swag, yes, bags and bags of stuff that surpasses all other stuff, where the audience is full of moms looking viciously hot in inexpensive gowns found on sale, where all winners are handed Golden Breast Awards by well-tanned, in-shape, boy-toys in bikinis, a dream where George Clooney changes diapers…
Poof! Aw. My dream has been deemed irrational and offensive by the FCC.
Seriously, I think the “Mommies” would be great entertainment (awards for “Best Performance At a School Function”, “Editing Yourself at Thanksgiving Dinner”, “Documentary Production of Elsie’s 1st Grade Graduation Scrapbook”). But what I really get all psyched up about is the thought of some real Mommy SWAG.
What’s swag? For those of you who don’t know it’s ridiculous gifting for no apparent reason other than the maker of the goods gets a ‘celeb’ to wear, use, or display their goods. That’s with the hope that the rest of us will buy the $1000 useless evening purse or $22,000 243-inch television. Right – I’m zooming out right now. Yeah, swag (other than the swag referring to the drape of velvet over your living-room window) refers to “Stuff We All Get” – ‘we’ meaning the ‘we’ that doesn’t include you.
Now to be fair, there will be no official Swag Bag at this year’s Oscars. The IRS cracked down on the untaxed gifting this year. No more will I have to broil in envy while Academy members receive a goody bag of FREE baubles, naked beach vacations, electronic wonders, and toe-nail clippings from the Dalai Lama. Uncle Sam has declared that taxes Must Be Paid: I mean, who wants to fill-out all those icky forms just to get $100,000 in gifts? (uh? ME!)
I think the swag for the Mommy Awards could sneak around these new IRS rulings. Sure, we’d al like a few diamonds and a membership at a swank gym on the other side of town, but what would a mom really want? How about:
24-Hours of Complete Uninterrupted Free Time
A Get Out of In-Laws Free Card
A Year’s Worth of “Yes, Dear”
Lifetime Supply of Unconditional Acceptance in a Bathrobe
Priceless. And absolutely untaxable.
As you most of you know by now, I’m more likely to get a ticket from the Mommy Police for ‘Encouraging Bad Behavior in a Minor’ than get an award for directing “Timmy’s 10th Birthday”, but what the heck, I can dream, can’t I?
Yep, that’s me up there for this year’s comedy awards: Best Supporting Role in “Show Down at the Middle School All-Class Play.” You should see the scene where I yell at the director (he’s 14), insult the English teacher, and show them all how badly I can do a time-step.
Yeah. Swag me.