Naming Your Baby Sucks
By: Joanne Kimes
When you’re pregnant, deciding on a name for your kid can be overwhelming. Especially when you’re the indecisive type like myself who has a hard enough time deciding between paper and plastic. When I was pregnant, every name I considered either didn’t work well with my last name, reminded me of someone I didn’t like, or was the same as an ex- girlfriend of my husbands. Then, if I ever found a name I’d consider, my husband would exercise his veto power and send me back to square one. After a few months of this, I would have given anything if my kid came out like a Cabbage Patch Kid and had her name embroidered to her rear end.
Finally, after all the names and all the fights about how many ex-girlfriends my husband had, we finally agreed on a name that we both loved! The odd thing is that after all the agony, the only thing we ever call her now is “sweet cheeks.” Oh well.
Although I’d never presume to tell you what to name your child, I will give you a few pointers that may make things easier. If you and your partner are having a lot of battles, find out the sex of the kid so you can cut the amount of options in half. When you finally decide on a name, NEVER tell it to a family member until after the kid is born, the birth certificate is signed, and he’s old enough to grow underarm hair. Inevitably, there’ll be someone that will hate the name and will be very generous with their opinion. And although you say it won’t matter, it might. Just know that if you give your kid one of the trendy names, your child may get whiplash as the park turning his head to every mother that calls his name. Don’t think that you should wait until after your baby is born to name it so that you can see what it looks like first. Newborns are puffy and oozy and covered in slime. The only thing you’ll want to name it is “Yuck.”
(For more sucky parenting advice, check out my website at sucksandthecity )