“How To Prepare A Flawless Thanksgiving Dinner In Twenty Minutes Or Less!”
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“Recipe For World-Peace-Bringing Pumpkin Pie!”
Bullshit, bullshit, and more bullshit!
Fellow mothers, it doesn’t have to be this way. This year, I’ve made it my mission to free you from turkey tyranny by giving you the cold, hard facts about this warmest of family celebrations. Trust me, you’ll thank me.
Let’s start with the morning. You have a plan of distraction for the kids, don’t you? Well, forget it. No one but you will be even slightly interested in watching the Thanksgiving Day Parade. No matter how many times you yell, “Look, Garfield, look an M&M,” your children will go right on screeching, pinching each other, and destroying your house while you’re trying to cook.
And, remember that “final” pushing, shoving trip to the grocery store? Turns out, “final” is a relative term. As in, you will realize that you forgot something and have to ask a relative to make a last minute run to the convenience store. It’s inevitable. Hint: it’s probably ice.
That big, hearty breakfast that no one would touch will cross your mind more than once when your children become crazed with hunger about an hour before the grand meal. The handful of crackers that you give them to tide them over will be just enough sustenance to insure that they won’t touch the “real” food and act like apes at the table.